I’ve never met anyone who valued friendship as much as I do. Reading this was so validating and comforting! I’ve had (and have) great friends, but the one best friend I’ve had for 8 years has been in a relationship for like a year and I can feel each other drifting apart. He’s her best friend, so everything she used to do with me she does with him now. that’s fine, it’s natural, but I wish people valued friendship more. I agree that there is romance in friendship too, and I wish people leaned into that platonic love more. Thanks for writing this!
ahhh im so sorry to hear that! i hope your relationship with your friend stays as strong as it used to be :( thank you so much for reading, it means so much!!
This is my same situation ugh it's nice to know other people are struggling with this. I feel so guilty because she's happy but I wish we could be as close as we once were
This is exactly how I’ve felt until last year re: friendship = long term commitment + loyalty. What helped me was reading up on polyamorous principles. I’m not poly myself, but adopting the idea of allowing friendships to take shape at different paces with no end goal has been so helpful.
this hits me hard 😭 as someone who has never been in a relationship, i’ve been finding it hard seeing all of my friends get into relationships of their own and seeing how i just become less of a priority. of course they’re going to prioritise their partner, it just hurts and you miss them. why can’t we as friends be just as important. seeing your circle get less and less in your 20s when you don’t really have anyone else is the worst. thank you for writing this piece and showing me in not alone in this 🥺❤️
right? i know the feeling and it's been something i’ve been dreading as the years fly by! 😭 thank you so much for reading and for leaving a comment, it means so much!!
yeah it’s so horrible!! if you’re ever looking to make a new friend, i’d always be down to chat ☺️ of course, your writing is lovely! i can’t wait to read more 🤍
this was such a nice read! :) i enjoyed it a lot, as someone who also loves to ruminate on the intricacies of friendships 😊 very interesting question on whether romance is just friendship persevering, or I guess in my words, a romantic relationship could basically just be friendship except added with the factor of consistently making the choice to be interested in being friends with someone! i also relate a lot with the part where sometimes the author doesn't feel like their friend has the same definition of 'friendship'. it was part of my growing up for me to realize that people can take the word "friends" so lightly when i mean "friends" as in long-term commitment and loyalty. because of this, it did get lonely for me too. but with time and age, i've learned to loosen my grip a bit on friendship and take everyone and my relationship with them lightly, thinking, "if it works, that's great! if it doesn't that's okay." it's also a bit understanding my lack of control of the world and allowing it all to just flow as it goes :) and understanding that certain people are meant to be present in specific seasons of your life, adding onto you and shaping you bit by bit to become who you are today (and eventually who you will be tomorrow). but yeah outside this little comment obviously i would say i'm still pretty anxiously attached to relationships in general at the ripe age of 23 😅 (unfortunately). BUT Great work overall i want to read more of your thoughts!!! this was beautifully crafted!!!! 🩷
thank you so much for this winnie!!!! AHHH your comment is an essay on its own <3
"romantic relationship could basically just be friendship except added with the factor of consistently making the choice to be interested in being friends with someone" -- yes!! for me it's really just that people have more commitment to their romantic partners compared to their friends & of course it'll differ from person to person but it does make me sad knowing the majority of people will likely prioritize romantic relationships over their friendships. but as we grow up we see that that's just the way the world works and it's best to just let things happen as they do :) people come and go, but they will leave a remarkable impact on you as they do <3
Sharing a bit of perspective from someone in their late twenties that has a deep desire for connection no matter what the label: these friendships exist, and also the best partnerships share all of the same qualities of a good friendship. Though it’s rare to find people that are able to manage the balance between the two, there is a world that exists where you can indeed have it all, if you remain open to it.
That is such a relief. I value my friendships very much so romance does give me some dread because it feels like there’s an expected, almost inevitable abandonment you have to do to your friends even though I find there are often deeper ties with friendship compared to romance. I’ve only tried for one romantic relationship (emphasis on tried because I don’t know what my feelings were at the time even 3 years later) and I’ve determined that the next person that I date (should I have the courage) and the one I would consider the one (should I be lucky to experience that) would be the one that feels like I can expand my friendship and chosen family circle, not narrow it.
Thank you so much for writing this post 💜 You’ve got a lot of wisdom in your 20s and you’ll get more in your 30s. Don’t let anyone discount you!
Wow this was such a good read!! I have a complicated relationship with how I view romance in the sense that I feel a bit sad that society kinda prioritizes romantic relationships over friendships; when in reality, I've only really felt true “romance” in my friendships.
I agree really on romance being friendship with added perks but I kinda wanna add that friendship CAN be romantic but respected enough not to cross the boundary if that makes sense. Or that friendship has romantic aspects in it.. (for me personally)
I think also that people often overlook the effort that takes into cultivating a friendship bc a friendship is so easy to start (classmates/neighbor/orgmate) but to continue them post-college is just a series of making time for each other.
And I think that's kinda what adult friendship is—making time for each other. The frequency is of how much time u give and the priority I give different friends is up to your discretion too.
hi bien, first of all thank you so much for reading!!! 🤍 i really really like your point on how you've only ever felt true romance in your friendships & honestly that's so true—i think when i was writing this essay, i had a similar idea i wanted to push forward. people overlook the potential of a good friend, i think, compared to the allure of the romantic partner. but a partner and friend is so so so similar in and of itself. if you put more effort in building your relationships with your friends, making the continuous choice to keep being there for them, then that's what i'd call a partner in life as well (sexual attraction aside). really so grateful for your comment! thank you so much for sharing with me some of your thoughts as well <3
You’re so real for this. I’ve been battling with the friendship vs romance debate for ages, and it’s been a fruitless journey so far honestly. Doesn’t help that I haven’t really been in a proper relationship before and I’m also bi, so I’m always re-evaluating my female friendships to make sure there’s no weird feelings developing (they never are, I just have very meaningful female friendships that make me question whether they can still just be a ‘friendship’ while being so meaningful).
Frankly my thought process now, to help address this issue, is to find myself a best friend who I can also be sexually attracted to. It doesn’t really clarify the matter, but I suspect this strategy will help me find a partner that addresses both my emotional and physical needs. And what more of a role does a partner really play?
this is so real! it's been so so so confusing especially if you've never been in a relationship before (like me). i like the idea of finding a best friend that will address both your emotional and physical needs! thank you so much for reading, it means a lot to me <3
This was a very validating and sweet read. I was very fortunate to have a group of friends that were attached to the hip. We did almost everything as a pack all 4 years. From the cafeteria dinners to living like packed sardines our senior year. We’re in our late 20s now and things have surely changed. Relationships, jobs, distance. It was hard to accept at first—for a few years honestly—but denial festers resentment and stunts the friendship faster. There’s something beautiful about an evolving relationship and getting to see each other grow older and live out the dreams we spoke about when we were still just kids. It’s a very special kind of love that requires you to be selfless.
Friend. I’m only a couple years older than you, and I share that same yearning for closeness. I have found the friendships you describe, and they are out there for you too. Just gotta find the people connected with joy, play, vulnerability, and being real. That starts with your own perspective too.
We are the stories we tell ourselves. You won’t attract people who operate on a loving abundance mindset when you are telling yourself that that doesn’t exist and is a depleting resource. I would argue that with the world the way it is, I see an increase in the amount of people I meet at this level, and it’s the only way I see things moving.
Most people are lonely and wanting connection, caught up in value systems they accepted but never really gave a fuck about. The more you connect with your own nature, you will connect with those who have done the same, and meet people in a place of radical openness, vulnerability and love
ahhhh friend thank you so much for this!!! means so much to hear this advice :) i agree so much with "we are the stories we tell ourselves," for sure if we think negatively then we won't attract the positive people we want to surround ourselves with. thank you so much for reading and sharing, will definitely take this to heart <3
not sure I build bonds as strong as you do in your friendships, even though i've selfishly desired some of these "adventures" and "joined at the hip" aesthetics. but that's not what this comment is for. i genuinely agree with you about how friendships and relationships are fundamentally the same. my friend had a white board presentation proving this so vividly to me. at a base level, romantic relationships are friendships with sexual attraction and in some cases "exclusivity". outside of those differentiating elements, friendships = romantic relationships. i think it's not a vastly accepted thoughts because people want to sleep with strangers and get into relationships with them :)
I've never felt so seen before. I understand that people have different priorities but it still feels so lonely being the one that cares about the friendship more than the other person. This was a great piece, can't wait to see what else you write!
as an aromantic asexual person, this was so healing to hear 🫶 so much of the time, people drop me as a friend for a romantic relationship then ask me when i’m getting a boyfriend. the truth is, romance sucks and i just want a relationship with my friends where we all feel supported and included and appreciated. i don’t need to kiss a man to feel whole
i feel you so much! we don't need to kiss anyone to feel whole, a supportive group of friends is enough :) thank you so much for reading and leaving a comment, so glad to hear this connected with you too!! <3
i have these deep intimate friendships with my people. some of my friends, i dont but when i think about them i tear up. i’ve been deliberating the difference between romance and friendship for like two years now and im planning on writing about it so this piece really really speaks to me. i was watching a youtube video on how introverts crush on people and throughout i kept thinking.. do people know how be good friends cuz literally everything they outlined is what I do with my friends. I’ve chalked it up to me being a deeply affectionate person (which is true) but I also think I, you and everyone else who related to this piece keenly, understand what it is to love. fully, unabashedly and intentionally just loving others.
i mean…friendship is the best foundation to a long term romantic relationship soo
I relate to this so much. I find it really strange when my friends prioritize romantic relationships over our platonic ones, although their romantic relationships tend to be much more shallow and less meaningful. Plus, the base of their relationships is attraction and they date men they’d never be friends with but for me, the base of every healthy relationship should be friendship and I could never date someone I wasn’t friends with before. I’m glad to know I’m not the only one who feels this way. 🤍
that's exactly it!! how do people date people they would never be friends with, i really don't get it 😭 thank you so so much for reading and for leaving a comment! <3
As someone who also holds on quite tight, I think it’s just as important to be able to let go. I’m deeply in love with all of my friends, and I’m losing one of these friendships right now. I know I’ll be okay with it eventually because what we had when we had it was so wonderful. But a good grip is only good if what you’re holding wants to be held. We can’t expect everyone to want to be held forever, like we do. The grip loosens. The tightest grip has to be onto ourselves, but there will always be an another hand !! even if it’s not the one you expected <3
love this comment so much! i completely agree :) to protect myself i've always tried to protect my energy and how much effort i spend on the people i care about. thank you so much for reading!!!
My freshman year of college I wrote a research paper on this exact topic called “why don’t we marry our friends?” I don’t remember it being particularly good but this topic is so near and dear to me, as an (almost) 21 year old who has extremely strong and beautiful friendships as well as having had romantic relationships (boyfriends, yuck), they are different in detail, but fundamentally the same.
To quote Hanya Yanigahara (don’t come for me booktok) “why wasn’t friendship as good as a relationship? Why wasn’t it even better? It was two people who remained together, day after day, bound not by sex or physical attraction or money or children or property, but only by the shared agreement to keep going, the mutual dedication to a union that could never be codified. Friendship was witnessing another’s slow drip of miseries, and long bouts of boredom, and occasional triumphs. It was feeling honored by the privilege of getting to be present for another person’s most dismal moments, and knowing that you could be dismal around him in return.”
I know that’s quite a mouthful, but it resonates so deeply in my soul that I have a portion of it tattooed on my skin permanently. I don’t even find any room in the argument that the difference between platonic and romantic relationships is sex or intimacy, because neither must require or be devoid of those things to qualify as romantic or platonic.
All of this to say,
Your essay is beautiful, and I would love to hear how you feel about all this in 5, 10, or 20 years. All I know is that my friendships will always be the biggest blessings ever bestowed upon me.
god. that quote is absolutely mesmerizing. i havent read anything by hanya yanigahara yet, but this just might convince me. i agree and connect with it so much. friendships are so beautiful!!! there's nothing like physical attraction or sex binding you together, just a shared love, respect, and appreciation for each other's company :) that's definitely a blessing
thank you so much for your comment and for reading <3
I’ve never met anyone who valued friendship as much as I do. Reading this was so validating and comforting! I’ve had (and have) great friends, but the one best friend I’ve had for 8 years has been in a relationship for like a year and I can feel each other drifting apart. He’s her best friend, so everything she used to do with me she does with him now. that’s fine, it’s natural, but I wish people valued friendship more. I agree that there is romance in friendship too, and I wish people leaned into that platonic love more. Thanks for writing this!
ahhh im so sorry to hear that! i hope your relationship with your friend stays as strong as it used to be :( thank you so much for reading, it means so much!!
i- that’s literally exactly my situation as well😭
This is my same situation ugh it's nice to know other people are struggling with this. I feel so guilty because she's happy but I wish we could be as close as we once were
I relate so so deeply to this 🫶🏽🫶🏽
This is exactly how I’ve felt until last year re: friendship = long term commitment + loyalty. What helped me was reading up on polyamorous principles. I’m not poly myself, but adopting the idea of allowing friendships to take shape at different paces with no end goal has been so helpful.
wait, this is so interesting! i'll make sure to read up on it too :) thank you so much for reading!! <3
You might find relationship anarchy interesting as well
Wait this is such a great idea
this hits me hard 😭 as someone who has never been in a relationship, i’ve been finding it hard seeing all of my friends get into relationships of their own and seeing how i just become less of a priority. of course they’re going to prioritise their partner, it just hurts and you miss them. why can’t we as friends be just as important. seeing your circle get less and less in your 20s when you don’t really have anyone else is the worst. thank you for writing this piece and showing me in not alone in this 🥺❤️
right? i know the feeling and it's been something i’ve been dreading as the years fly by! 😭 thank you so much for reading and for leaving a comment, it means so much!!
yeah it’s so horrible!! if you’re ever looking to make a new friend, i’d always be down to chat ☺️ of course, your writing is lovely! i can’t wait to read more 🤍
ahhh i would love to be friends!!! excited to see your work too (if you ever post some in the future) 🫂🫶
yay i’d love that!! thank you 🥰
I feel this way soooooo deeply too 😭❤️🫶🏽
this was such a nice read! :) i enjoyed it a lot, as someone who also loves to ruminate on the intricacies of friendships 😊 very interesting question on whether romance is just friendship persevering, or I guess in my words, a romantic relationship could basically just be friendship except added with the factor of consistently making the choice to be interested in being friends with someone! i also relate a lot with the part where sometimes the author doesn't feel like their friend has the same definition of 'friendship'. it was part of my growing up for me to realize that people can take the word "friends" so lightly when i mean "friends" as in long-term commitment and loyalty. because of this, it did get lonely for me too. but with time and age, i've learned to loosen my grip a bit on friendship and take everyone and my relationship with them lightly, thinking, "if it works, that's great! if it doesn't that's okay." it's also a bit understanding my lack of control of the world and allowing it all to just flow as it goes :) and understanding that certain people are meant to be present in specific seasons of your life, adding onto you and shaping you bit by bit to become who you are today (and eventually who you will be tomorrow). but yeah outside this little comment obviously i would say i'm still pretty anxiously attached to relationships in general at the ripe age of 23 😅 (unfortunately). BUT Great work overall i want to read more of your thoughts!!! this was beautifully crafted!!!! 🩷
thank you so much for this winnie!!!! AHHH your comment is an essay on its own <3
"romantic relationship could basically just be friendship except added with the factor of consistently making the choice to be interested in being friends with someone" -- yes!! for me it's really just that people have more commitment to their romantic partners compared to their friends & of course it'll differ from person to person but it does make me sad knowing the majority of people will likely prioritize romantic relationships over their friendships. but as we grow up we see that that's just the way the world works and it's best to just let things happen as they do :) people come and go, but they will leave a remarkable impact on you as they do <3
THANK YOU FOR READING I LOVE YOUUU <3
thank you for sharing a beautiful, personal work of art too 😄
Sharing a bit of perspective from someone in their late twenties that has a deep desire for connection no matter what the label: these friendships exist, and also the best partnerships share all of the same qualities of a good friendship. Though it’s rare to find people that are able to manage the balance between the two, there is a world that exists where you can indeed have it all, if you remain open to it.
ahhh this is so relieving to hear :) thank you so much for reading and for leaving a comment!!
That is such a relief. I value my friendships very much so romance does give me some dread because it feels like there’s an expected, almost inevitable abandonment you have to do to your friends even though I find there are often deeper ties with friendship compared to romance. I’ve only tried for one romantic relationship (emphasis on tried because I don’t know what my feelings were at the time even 3 years later) and I’ve determined that the next person that I date (should I have the courage) and the one I would consider the one (should I be lucky to experience that) would be the one that feels like I can expand my friendship and chosen family circle, not narrow it.
Thank you so much for writing this post 💜 You’ve got a lot of wisdom in your 20s and you’ll get more in your 30s. Don’t let anyone discount you!
so lovely to hear from you <3 thank you so much for this!!!!
Wow this was such a good read!! I have a complicated relationship with how I view romance in the sense that I feel a bit sad that society kinda prioritizes romantic relationships over friendships; when in reality, I've only really felt true “romance” in my friendships.
I agree really on romance being friendship with added perks but I kinda wanna add that friendship CAN be romantic but respected enough not to cross the boundary if that makes sense. Or that friendship has romantic aspects in it.. (for me personally)
I think also that people often overlook the effort that takes into cultivating a friendship bc a friendship is so easy to start (classmates/neighbor/orgmate) but to continue them post-college is just a series of making time for each other.
And I think that's kinda what adult friendship is—making time for each other. The frequency is of how much time u give and the priority I give different friends is up to your discretion too.
Other than that great (relatable) read!
hi bien, first of all thank you so much for reading!!! 🤍 i really really like your point on how you've only ever felt true romance in your friendships & honestly that's so true—i think when i was writing this essay, i had a similar idea i wanted to push forward. people overlook the potential of a good friend, i think, compared to the allure of the romantic partner. but a partner and friend is so so so similar in and of itself. if you put more effort in building your relationships with your friends, making the continuous choice to keep being there for them, then that's what i'd call a partner in life as well (sexual attraction aside). really so grateful for your comment! thank you so much for sharing with me some of your thoughts as well <3
You’re so real for this. I’ve been battling with the friendship vs romance debate for ages, and it’s been a fruitless journey so far honestly. Doesn’t help that I haven’t really been in a proper relationship before and I’m also bi, so I’m always re-evaluating my female friendships to make sure there’s no weird feelings developing (they never are, I just have very meaningful female friendships that make me question whether they can still just be a ‘friendship’ while being so meaningful).
Frankly my thought process now, to help address this issue, is to find myself a best friend who I can also be sexually attracted to. It doesn’t really clarify the matter, but I suspect this strategy will help me find a partner that addresses both my emotional and physical needs. And what more of a role does a partner really play?
this is so real! it's been so so so confusing especially if you've never been in a relationship before (like me). i like the idea of finding a best friend that will address both your emotional and physical needs! thank you so much for reading, it means a lot to me <3
This was a very validating and sweet read. I was very fortunate to have a group of friends that were attached to the hip. We did almost everything as a pack all 4 years. From the cafeteria dinners to living like packed sardines our senior year. We’re in our late 20s now and things have surely changed. Relationships, jobs, distance. It was hard to accept at first—for a few years honestly—but denial festers resentment and stunts the friendship faster. There’s something beautiful about an evolving relationship and getting to see each other grow older and live out the dreams we spoke about when we were still just kids. It’s a very special kind of love that requires you to be selfless.
you're so right, thank you so much for sharing this and for reading!! <3
Friend. I’m only a couple years older than you, and I share that same yearning for closeness. I have found the friendships you describe, and they are out there for you too. Just gotta find the people connected with joy, play, vulnerability, and being real. That starts with your own perspective too.
We are the stories we tell ourselves. You won’t attract people who operate on a loving abundance mindset when you are telling yourself that that doesn’t exist and is a depleting resource. I would argue that with the world the way it is, I see an increase in the amount of people I meet at this level, and it’s the only way I see things moving.
Most people are lonely and wanting connection, caught up in value systems they accepted but never really gave a fuck about. The more you connect with your own nature, you will connect with those who have done the same, and meet people in a place of radical openness, vulnerability and love
ahhhh friend thank you so much for this!!! means so much to hear this advice :) i agree so much with "we are the stories we tell ourselves," for sure if we think negatively then we won't attract the positive people we want to surround ourselves with. thank you so much for reading and sharing, will definitely take this to heart <3
Of course :)
not sure I build bonds as strong as you do in your friendships, even though i've selfishly desired some of these "adventures" and "joined at the hip" aesthetics. but that's not what this comment is for. i genuinely agree with you about how friendships and relationships are fundamentally the same. my friend had a white board presentation proving this so vividly to me. at a base level, romantic relationships are friendships with sexual attraction and in some cases "exclusivity". outside of those differentiating elements, friendships = romantic relationships. i think it's not a vastly accepted thoughts because people want to sleep with strangers and get into relationships with them :)
i agree so much with you, glad to hear i'm not alone with these thoughts 😆 thank you for reading! <3
I've never felt so seen before. I understand that people have different priorities but it still feels so lonely being the one that cares about the friendship more than the other person. This was a great piece, can't wait to see what else you write!
ahhhh it really is so lonely :( thank you so much for reading!!!! 🫶
as an aromantic asexual person, this was so healing to hear 🫶 so much of the time, people drop me as a friend for a romantic relationship then ask me when i’m getting a boyfriend. the truth is, romance sucks and i just want a relationship with my friends where we all feel supported and included and appreciated. i don’t need to kiss a man to feel whole
i feel you so much! we don't need to kiss anyone to feel whole, a supportive group of friends is enough :) thank you so much for reading and leaving a comment, so glad to hear this connected with you too!! <3
i have these deep intimate friendships with my people. some of my friends, i dont but when i think about them i tear up. i’ve been deliberating the difference between romance and friendship for like two years now and im planning on writing about it so this piece really really speaks to me. i was watching a youtube video on how introverts crush on people and throughout i kept thinking.. do people know how be good friends cuz literally everything they outlined is what I do with my friends. I’ve chalked it up to me being a deeply affectionate person (which is true) but I also think I, you and everyone else who related to this piece keenly, understand what it is to love. fully, unabashedly and intentionally just loving others.
i mean…friendship is the best foundation to a long term romantic relationship soo
i agree so much with you, so glad to hear so many other people think of friendship the same way 🥹
I relate to this so much. I find it really strange when my friends prioritize romantic relationships over our platonic ones, although their romantic relationships tend to be much more shallow and less meaningful. Plus, the base of their relationships is attraction and they date men they’d never be friends with but for me, the base of every healthy relationship should be friendship and I could never date someone I wasn’t friends with before. I’m glad to know I’m not the only one who feels this way. 🤍
that's exactly it!! how do people date people they would never be friends with, i really don't get it 😭 thank you so so much for reading and for leaving a comment! <3
As someone who also holds on quite tight, I think it’s just as important to be able to let go. I’m deeply in love with all of my friends, and I’m losing one of these friendships right now. I know I’ll be okay with it eventually because what we had when we had it was so wonderful. But a good grip is only good if what you’re holding wants to be held. We can’t expect everyone to want to be held forever, like we do. The grip loosens. The tightest grip has to be onto ourselves, but there will always be an another hand !! even if it’s not the one you expected <3
love this comment so much! i completely agree :) to protect myself i've always tried to protect my energy and how much effort i spend on the people i care about. thank you so much for reading!!!
My freshman year of college I wrote a research paper on this exact topic called “why don’t we marry our friends?” I don’t remember it being particularly good but this topic is so near and dear to me, as an (almost) 21 year old who has extremely strong and beautiful friendships as well as having had romantic relationships (boyfriends, yuck), they are different in detail, but fundamentally the same.
To quote Hanya Yanigahara (don’t come for me booktok) “why wasn’t friendship as good as a relationship? Why wasn’t it even better? It was two people who remained together, day after day, bound not by sex or physical attraction or money or children or property, but only by the shared agreement to keep going, the mutual dedication to a union that could never be codified. Friendship was witnessing another’s slow drip of miseries, and long bouts of boredom, and occasional triumphs. It was feeling honored by the privilege of getting to be present for another person’s most dismal moments, and knowing that you could be dismal around him in return.”
I know that’s quite a mouthful, but it resonates so deeply in my soul that I have a portion of it tattooed on my skin permanently. I don’t even find any room in the argument that the difference between platonic and romantic relationships is sex or intimacy, because neither must require or be devoid of those things to qualify as romantic or platonic.
All of this to say,
Your essay is beautiful, and I would love to hear how you feel about all this in 5, 10, or 20 years. All I know is that my friendships will always be the biggest blessings ever bestowed upon me.
god. that quote is absolutely mesmerizing. i havent read anything by hanya yanigahara yet, but this just might convince me. i agree and connect with it so much. friendships are so beautiful!!! there's nothing like physical attraction or sex binding you together, just a shared love, respect, and appreciation for each other's company :) that's definitely a blessing
thank you so much for your comment and for reading <3